So, you've had a baby, it was messy, beautiful, painful but life changing. You sat back amongst milk soaked muslin cloths and empty packets of biscuits and thought 'yeah I could totally do this all over again' and so in the hormone ridden mess you are in, you jump back on that saddle (ahem) and get to making baby number 2. But here are 10 things from one that's been there, I should probably let you know first.
1. You will time your day, not by clock, but by CBeebies.
Yep, that tv/iPad/tablet will become your eldests surrogate mother. You will call on it any time the new baby cries, sleeps, needs to eat or generally just breathes.
2. You will discover an even deeper meaning of the word guilt.
Thought you felt bad first time round? Littlle John's clothes don't match? Little Sarah's hair looks untidy? Let me tell you, with two tiny humans, your guilt will stretch to, little John hasn't seen a park in just over 6 months and who knows what a toddler group is anymore? Because your children don't.
3. The staring.
Not from caring passers by asking if you need a hand carrying that enormous double Icandy pushchair up 6 flights of stairs. No, but from strangers, looking in horror at how you obviously had no self control around your husband and you haven't yet 'figured out what causes that'. Yes, I talk from experience. Helpful comments indeed.
4. You'll make some of your mother friends feel crap.
Your friend with one baby won't feel like she can moan to you, about anything.
After all, you've popped out two children in the time it takes most to do their weekly shop.
They will praise you and say you make it look so easy, whilst secretly resenting you for making them feel like their toddler chucking peas all over the floor at dinner time wasn't actually something to have three bottles of wine over.
5. You will never wash. Ever. One you've heard before right? Well, once you have two very small people, attempting to shower, instead of it just being hard to fit the time in, instead becomes a fear of the toddler sitting on the babies head or trying to feed little John from their boobies 'because mummy does it'.
6. You will forever need to buy two of everything. Exactly the same.
Don't think you can buy that child a new top because all the others are stained and not buy the other child one, even though their wardrobe rivals Beyoncé. And the tops will have to be identical. Don't try to pull 'ones a fairy ones a unicorn' crap here. It won't work. They WILL fight over the same one. And you will wish you had listened to me.
7. You will loose all sense of personal space. When one child is occupied the other one will follow you like a woman follows a sign for Zara. When you appease that child by handing them your bra to go play with, the other will undoubtedly become bored and start calling your name, looking round the house for you and follow you to the ends of the earth.
You can try to hide. It won't work. Trust me.
This circle then continues until your partner gets home and you run for your car as if you don't have just 5 minutes to yourself your about to start screaming like a child that's being strapped into a pushchair. It won't be pretty.
8. The arguing.
As your two little cherubs grow, be prepared for the inaudible arguing that will ensue.
Will you have the faintest idea what they are yelling about? Hell no. Because they can't speak yet. But one holding the other up against the wall clearly indicates something has gone down here, and judging by the Barbie doll with one leg missing and its head the other side of the room, you can bet it's one of those times you wished you'd bought two...
9. Copying everything the other one does.
With two such small, impressionable little minds running around together, things are bound to rub off. Sarah doesn't like carrots anymore? Well neither does John now. John takes a sudden dislike of anything that involves water of being washed in anyway, well Sarah now has that phobia, ten fold.
So, imagine the pain of one child going through these phases. Then double it. That's a close age gap for you.
10. The love.
Aside from the public staring, the pushing, the fear of an A&E trip, there is a lot of love, and a lot of laughter.
They will soon learn to love each other so much that when one is busy at a friends or school, the other will cry and literally mourn their sibling, until they come home again.
And then probably smack them round the head when they walk through the door.
With the Barbie doll.
But hey, I did the close age gap twice. So it can't be all that bad.
(Typed whilst sitting in my car).